by Darren Aronofsky
From 4th April 2014
Reviewed by and
– ARCh Critics
FROM BIBLICAL TO BABBLE: WILL NOAH SELL OUT OR BE A MAMMOTH FLOP AT
Another film from Black Swan Darren Aronofsky director’s stool,
so it must be beastly. Hope the animals don’t go in two buy-two-get-one-free.
With so many American movies awash with being up themselves, Noah will
not be a Shakespeare comic arcadia but up
the creek without an oar to paddle: “a noah,
a noah, my kingdom for a noah...” And don’t be expecting
any Tom Stoppard Arcadia type dialogue either.
Bar trailers, we’ve written this review without having seen a film
which must surely be arcanely banal. This
likely MKUltra to encourage end-timers opened as an American box office
number 1, an instant mash amassing $44 million. How can it be anything
but godawful? Bible-Belt America won’t be saying Ah-No!
Casey and I were in stitches at the thought of seeing a stinker like
this. Imagine the opening credits rolling to the Beatles’ ‘He’s
A Real Noah Man/sitting in his Noah land’ - at which point people
will be laughing so much they’ll be floating out of the picture
house on floods of tears. Unless they’re folksy.
I’ve seen tweets like ‘Noah, the least film I’d ever
want to see’. Plus comments such as ‘silly stuff from a silly
book’ and ‘NNNOOOOOOOOoooooooooooaaahhh!!!’
Palaeontologists may have stated it’s arkademic
those animals would fit into something the size of Ark Royal. Creation
Ministries International tell us the Ark’s volume was 43,500 cubic
metres or 1.54 million cubic feet but that if you stack up this equivalent
of 522 standard American railroad stock cars - no
problem there’s plenny of room! Noah limiting the archaic
intake to kinds of animals is the creative
That’s arky-illogy for you - elephantine with sea sickness. Experts
say the absolute limit in length for a wooden ship is 300 feet and even
then it was liable to `hogging' and `sagging’. Devilish details.
No doubt Noah would think people who complained about his shipbuilding
(up the workers – betcha they don’t board!) are just ark-re-moany-us.
Did god blame Noah’s ark-re-moany on climate change? Noah was just
another floodite but do we really want to watch scarily boring torrential
rain, the same-old-same-old we in Britain have been deluged by?
As this living daylights of zoo-poo didn’t go the way of Ark Royal
when it was being pitched, Noah’s producers have opened critical
floodgates. Did anyone ask Docker No if he’d checked whether the
animals were gay? Russell had a meeting with Archbishop
Justin Welby and reportedly hopes the movie will provoke ‘chats’.
In what plainly is an old waves tale, I’ve heard that women are
there just to wail. Is Anthony Hopkins’ role to silence any strictly
forbidden pre-disembarkation coupling-up leading to lambing? Is Ray Winstone’s
presence gangsta movie confirmation? And for the gosh of dosh - Harry
Potter’s girlfriend’s in it!
Most people will find Noah ark-some, it’s come to rain on our parade.
The Liverpool version would be called ‘Ark-id’. Anarchism
it is not.
To paraphrase Genesis 6:19–20, it must be a full-on creepy thing.
Save us from this righteous puppet of a muppet god! A capitalist farmer
hiring zero-hour slaves to build a burgher-barge is terrifyingly believable!
Bring back Archimedes’ way with water….
or we’re all screwed!
To read Colin Serjent's review of Noah